How Did We End Up Here?

How Did We End Up Here?

I'm wondering why too...can't help it. Can't do anything about it...it's all my fault anyway. I had all the chances...but I blew it all away. Haihz...damn it. Sometimes I wish we not couple last time so that we can be friends until now. When you broke up with me...I've been so angry about it but...I can't do anything about it. I respect your decision. When you said "a girl need a guy with wealth"...I really sad and disappointed because I'm not that kind of guy. I'm poor...and you help me a lot. But still I can't do anything about it. Can't repay you for everything you done for me. I always wish you and pray for you to have better guy in your life. I do sad when you have other guy in your life but when I saw him...I'm sad and happy at the same time. He's the one for you. He got everything that you always wanted. He care for you...that's why you fall in love with him. I wish you be happier than last time. I wish you get what you always wanted...I'm happy for you that you didn't end up having lousy BF like me last time and in the future. I feel much relief when you got BF that have future in him. I know your parents don't like me at all. Don't like me to be with you. I been thinking about it all time but I just pretend I didn't know anything. I'm sure you too want to break up with me. It's been so long that you wanted to break up with me but...you didn't. I don't want you stay with me because you feel sympathy of me. You know my future now is totally blank. I wanted to run away but it always comes back. I wanted to forget about you but your face always picture in front of my sight even we never meet after you have new BF. I always wanted to see you smile but...when you start schooling in S.I.A. You changed...you never do what you always do on me. I been looked down so bad because of who I am. Because of being stupid...Because I have so much problems that you can no longer hold it anymore. I'm really sorry...I know you forgive me but how do I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself when I think back everything what I done to you...I can't forgive myself you know. I'm no longer can accept any girl in myself even though there are some girls that I wanted to chase but to think back all the past and all the mistakes I done. It's hard for me to move on...I wish this things never happen but it did and I can't control it. I can't overcome it...I'm too weak. So weak...my parents didn't support me anymore. You're lucky to have parents that still support you. Sometimes I wish I'm a girl...even being a girl is hard but at least they're always supported from parents. As a guy...we sacrifice so much for girls we love. We try our best until our last breath. We know you all appreciate us but...when we done something wrong even it just a small matter. It depends on the person whether He can handle it or not. Most of them can handle it but I can't. I'm too weak...most people says me has "No Life". I did angry about it but...when I keep thinking about it. They are right...damn right about it. Damn right about me. I can't help it...

I do wish there's a girl like you...not 100% same but at least some part of you would be same. Honest, Supportive, Playful, Active & Understanding...that's what I'm looking for. Well...it depends also. I'm looking for someone that really suited me anyway but I'm too picky about it. Haha...anyway...I pray for you so that you would be always in Good Luck & Happy in everything you do. I still feel sad & disappointed but...I'm happy that you not with someone like me. Someone who don't have stable income. Someone who can't even handle small problem. I wish I can change but I still can't. I need some support but I prefer that support would be from the girl I love. Well whoever she is...haha...well that's all. I write everything here just to release all my emotions. Everything how I actually feel right now...I don't wish you to read this too but if you really read it through...

Here...








I don't even know it is related to what I'm trying to do here or not...but I hope you enjoy the songs I gave you...If you come and read it. Hehe...Well...Ja Ne!!! =p

How Do I Feel?

How Do I Feel?

Hmm...let me see. How Do I Feel? man...I feel unhappy, sad, & angry. I don't know what to do...I'm totally no support from my own family. And worst of all is myself...I'm so HATE myself sometimes being so so so lazy. What worst of all...I easily get bullied and do nothing about it. All I do is run away. haihz...Why is my life always have to be like this? Being bullied? What the F*cking hell did I do to those bullies? I did hurt them or anything...I don't want to go back. I'm totally HATE my old self. Please stop bully me!!! Before I lose control of myself...Its better to STOP me!!! haihz...I been bullied so so long time. Can't anyone understand & work as a team? Even I don't know anything...WHY can't you TEACH me!!! WHY are you keep everything to yourself!!! WHY? EVERYONE HAVE TO LEARN MORE EVEN THOUGH HE/SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING!!! That's what STUDY suppose to mean...Its not only for going to school to study. School is where we learn what we should learn but DO YOU LEARN HOW TO RESPECT??? You may KNOW everything BUT you still HUMAN!!! You still NOT the person who control us. EVEN president need to LEARN!!! And YOU? WHO ARE YOU? Even boss need to RESPECT his/her workers. But YOU? WHO the F*cking HELL ARE YOU? You still WORKING!!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS!!! YOU EARN NOTHING!!! TRY to do business and DON'T RESPECT your customers like you did on me...YOU WILL NEVER EVER EARN ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE!!! YOU WILL ALWAYS BANKRUPT. Damn it...

Haihz...damn it. I HATE THIS!!! I hate this happen on me every time. I work hard and what I got? A Bully...DAMN IT!!! YOU THINK YOU BIG I SCARED!!! WHAT I SCARED IS MYSELF WHEN I LOSE CONTROL OF MY ANGER!!! You think I like to be my OLD self again? There will no turn back for me...It takes years SO STOP IT!!! I DON'T WANT any BLOODSHED IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rather DIE then being that way...haihz...PLEASE...I BEG YOU. Just STOP doing it. STOP making me SUFFER...I'm SUFFERING from controlling my anger. Please...PLEASE~~ T_T

Confusion About Me

Damn...I'm Totally Confused. I don't know what to do. I always miss all the chances in my life. I been too picky for what I wanted. I can't change it at all. I can't change the way I am. I am who I am...sometimes I hate myself because for who I am. I'm trying hard to be better...so hard until my mind wanna explode. There are one time that I can't control myself...I go out from my house and wait for being "bodek"...well I guess God keeping everyone away from me. I been standing 1 spot where I always got "bodek" by damn philipines. But now it seems no one around...(I'm glad nothing happen too..T_T). Please don't get me wrong...I'm not that kind of person. Even there's someone around it doesn't mean I'm going to take action. I won't unless it gonna cost my life. Well...I'll be damn too protect myself from any danger....

Hey wait...what the hell I'm talking about? =.=" Damn it...

Well actually what happen to me now is that...I don't get any support from parents anymore. Well since long ago...you know...I'm totally "NOTTY" last time. Yeah you know what I mean...I'm BAD~~~ really bad until I lost my parents trust. It's been YEARS I been trying to get their trust but always fail. Just because for WHO I am...haihz...most of the times I wish I get adopted by chinese family. I really wish it because the way they thinking are totally different from other non-chinese family. I haven't meet any non-chinese family that think differently. My father says that I have many chinese friends but not one of them. I know I'm not chinese but it's not wrong to learn chinese way is it? I sacrifice my own culture just to learn chinese culture but...damn...I still gain nothing. I know I shouldn't forget my own culture but I HAVE to TRY...Just please support me but not. Not ever...Worst of all my mom. Everything I do is like totally opposite to her. I do good things, she thinks I do BAD things. I do bad things, she thinks I do WORST things. Oooohh My GOD...I can't believe I have a mom like this. Everything goes to CONCLUSION without even try to understand me especially HOW I feel now...I wish to run away from home but...I just can't not because I don't have money. It because WHO going to take care my mom when she's sick? This is me!!! THE MORE I HATE YOU THE MORE I LOVE YOU!!!...I CAN'T CHANGE THAT. IT's ME!!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!! T_T...uh uh uh...

I'm the youngest but PLEASE...STOP treating me like I'm still a child. STOP CONTROLLING MY LIFE!!! I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU CONTROLLING MY LIFE...PLEASE!!! I'm NOT like my oldest brother. He's SUCKS...He can't even take care his daughter...WHY ALWAYS I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER??? I'm NOT her father. It's NOT my huge RESPONSIBILITY!!! It's THEIRs...LET Me GO PLEASE!!! Ever since I quit from my previous job I been trying to find a job with RM700-RM800 Basic so that I CAN HELP to pay car oil. HELP to pay bills...HELP to pay car loans. CAN'T YOU ALL UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL NOW??? I'm CONFUSED!!! I can't find any except office...I HATE WORK IN OFFICE!!! I hate wearing formal clothes...PLEASE RESPECT ME!!! I'm a physical worker...MUST get tired if NOT...I GET LAZY very fast. T_T...Why can't you understand me??? haihz~~ I promise myself...IF I have RM1000+ basic...I would give RM50 for those commoners on the streets or I invite them to eat. I'm Sympathy them...I UNDERSTAND them...Think what you do if you are "one" of them??? then you get treated like you treated them...HOW would you FEEL??? I HAVE TO BE ONE OF YOU LOADS OF SHIT because I, myself NEED help. How to help them if you, yourself NEED help??? sigh~~

Now...I'm totally confused about myself. WHO AM I??? I can't find PART of myself anymore. THEY're GONE!!! VANISH!!! I even force myself until I get nose bleeding to find myself. I stick myself around chinese people...listening every words they say. Understand each of the words, the meaning of their conversation, and memorize it all. But...some people says I shouldn't continue to be someone else. Why??? Why always STOP me??? Why always BACKSTAB me? WHAT THE F*cking Hell Did I Do WRONG For You??? Is it always SIN to learn other culture??? WHO THE F*cking HELL are YOU??? You NOT even GOD...but stopping me to learn other culture??? Damn...I been nice to you all...I been RESPECT you all. This is what I Get??? haihz...What did I do wrong anyway? Even my relationship RUINS...Other people can have a different culture relationship...WHY ME CAN'T??? Why Always RUINS my relationship with chinese girls??? What did I do wrong??? I TREAT THEM GOOD!!! I'm NOT the F*cking PLAYBOY!!! I'm SWEATING & SCARED to get close to them anymore ever since I broke up with my EX...The only place I can get close to them is from internet, friendster, chatting software & etc. Meet? I'm SCARED!!! How the F*cking Hell I want to be playboy??? I'm even SWEAT more when the girls get close to me...I even SCARED more when the girls try to touch me. But I just pretend boys touch me..."PRETEND"...I had enough pretending...I'm So F*cking HURT!!! So STOP Backstabbing ME!!! I'm NOT playboy...

This month...the worst month ever...haihz...I wish next month would be better. And I also wish there's part of me would change. About last relationship? well...I still need more time. I got to tell you that...It doesn't mean I feel calm when I get surrounded by girls...to tell the truth. My heart get worst and worst pain. I don't know why...but it just how I feel. Even I go to church to calm myself...It still the same. I try hard to find a way to calm but one thing I know is all about money...To be honest...money is EVERYTHING to me. The only thing that would change my life. I try to talk about this with my family but...damn it always fail. They ask too much questions that I can't even answer one of it. I heard some people says money is not value...the only value is yourself. Damn...the answer I gave to this sentences...Give me all the money and see how you survive. There's one guy ever taught me this...at 1st it is true...but...my instinct said that "YOU NEED MONEY TO SURVIVE...It is VALUE to us to SURVIVE". Damn...I'm so so so so confused. I wonder HOW will the chinese ELDEST respond about this. Wish to know their comments. I don't want from F*cking youngster...I want from those who really understand what "money" really means...Can they survive without money??? I don't think anyone can...

Well...this is it...I feel much better to release everything here. I still feel a bit moody...but...well...I am trying though. Haha...


P/s : Please Understand What I'm trying to say here...I'm SO SO SO SO SORRY if I offend you all...SORRY~~~~ I'm totally sorry...I'm not asking for anything here ok? It just I'm releasing everything I feel...But it is not 100%. So... ... ...yeah...thanks for reading it and I hope you all can give me comments. I don't mind BAD or GOOD comments...just say it. Maybe it might wake me up...hahaha NO HARD FEELING ok? Peace ^^V

Before You Go

Before You Go

I know you ain't tryna hear me out but
There's a couple of things i wanna get off my chest
Listen...

I know sometimes you wonder when i'm not there
You feel frustrated thinking that i don't care
Cause I don't...answer my phone
I don't...return your call
I don't...do all the things
That I...once did before

It's just the way i am, let me assure you
Baby nothing could be further from the truth
Sometimes I...be working late
Cause I...gotta write that song
Don't be...too quick to judge
Thinking...that something's wrong

I know I should've spend more time
That was my mistake
Girl I don't wanna change your mind
But before you go...

Chorus:
Just know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
All I ever wanted was you to stay
And before you up and leave
I just need you to see
Losing you was not a part of the plan
Know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
And before you go just let me say
I'm sorry I couldn't be...that boy But please believe
All I wanted was...all I wanted was to be your man

Baby understand I never meant to hurt you
And I realized the way that I mistreat you
I'm thinking...of all the things
That I...I could've done
Should've...made you believe
That...you were the one

To see you walk away caught me by suprise
I guess you meant more to me than I realized
I wish...I could go back
But...what's done is done
So now...I guess it's time
That we...try to move on

I know I should've been right there
That was my mistake
Girl I ain't tryna change your mind
I know it's much too late...='(

Chorus:
Just know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
All I ever wanted was you to stay
And before you up and leave
I just need you to see
Losing you was not part of the plan
Know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
And before you go just let me say
I'm sorry I couldn't be...that boy But please belive
All i wanted was...all I wanted was to be your man

I thought i needed time and space
But seeing you walk away
Has made me realize this isn't
How it was supposed to be...


Rap:
As I'm...sitting here alone writing this song
Tryna figure out what the hell went wrong
I remember how we used to be baby
And everything I did that would drive you crazy
I would stay up all night
You go left and I go right
To the studio of confessionals
Sitting right by another fight
You were right
Yes I learn, did like usher and let it burn
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Make you wanna stand three little words
Looking back...it was just that easy
I'm not saying this so that you won't leave me
I just hope you hear the song and believe me


Chorus: x 2
Just know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
All I ever wanted was you to stay
And before you up and leave
I just need you to see
Losing you was not part of the plan
Know that, I wasn't tryna push you away
And before you go just let me say
I'm sorry I couldn't be...that boy But please believe
All i wanted was...all I wanted was to be your man



I dedicated this song to someone I love before...wish you understand the meaning of the song. I'm sorry...please be Happy & Good Luck...^^ Wish You All The Best In Everything You Do...May God Bless You & Your Family...and May God Bless You Two too...^^

Peace

-Rick-