Confusion About Me

Damn...I'm Totally Confused. I don't know what to do. I always miss all the chances in my life. I been too picky for what I wanted. I can't change it at all. I can't change the way I am. I am who I am...sometimes I hate myself because for who I am. I'm trying hard to be better...so hard until my mind wanna explode. There are one time that I can't control myself...I go out from my house and wait for being "bodek"...well I guess God keeping everyone away from me. I been standing 1 spot where I always got "bodek" by damn philipines. But now it seems no one around...(I'm glad nothing happen too..T_T). Please don't get me wrong...I'm not that kind of person. Even there's someone around it doesn't mean I'm going to take action. I won't unless it gonna cost my life. Well...I'll be damn too protect myself from any danger....

Hey wait...what the hell I'm talking about? =.=" Damn it...

Well actually what happen to me now is that...I don't get any support from parents anymore. Well since long ago...you know...I'm totally "NOTTY" last time. Yeah you know what I mean...I'm BAD~~~ really bad until I lost my parents trust. It's been YEARS I been trying to get their trust but always fail. Just because for WHO I am...haihz...most of the times I wish I get adopted by chinese family. I really wish it because the way they thinking are totally different from other non-chinese family. I haven't meet any non-chinese family that think differently. My father says that I have many chinese friends but not one of them. I know I'm not chinese but it's not wrong to learn chinese way is it? I sacrifice my own culture just to learn chinese culture but...damn...I still gain nothing. I know I shouldn't forget my own culture but I HAVE to TRY...Just please support me but not. Not ever...Worst of all my mom. Everything I do is like totally opposite to her. I do good things, she thinks I do BAD things. I do bad things, she thinks I do WORST things. Oooohh My GOD...I can't believe I have a mom like this. Everything goes to CONCLUSION without even try to understand me especially HOW I feel now...I wish to run away from home but...I just can't not because I don't have money. It because WHO going to take care my mom when she's sick? This is me!!! THE MORE I HATE YOU THE MORE I LOVE YOU!!!...I CAN'T CHANGE THAT. IT's ME!!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!! T_T...uh uh uh...

I'm the youngest but PLEASE...STOP treating me like I'm still a child. STOP CONTROLLING MY LIFE!!! I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU CONTROLLING MY LIFE...PLEASE!!! I'm NOT like my oldest brother. He's SUCKS...He can't even take care his daughter...WHY ALWAYS I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER??? I'm NOT her father. It's NOT my huge RESPONSIBILITY!!! It's THEIRs...LET Me GO PLEASE!!! Ever since I quit from my previous job I been trying to find a job with RM700-RM800 Basic so that I CAN HELP to pay car oil. HELP to pay bills...HELP to pay car loans. CAN'T YOU ALL UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL NOW??? I'm CONFUSED!!! I can't find any except office...I HATE WORK IN OFFICE!!! I hate wearing formal clothes...PLEASE RESPECT ME!!! I'm a physical worker...MUST get tired if NOT...I GET LAZY very fast. T_T...Why can't you understand me??? haihz~~ I promise myself...IF I have RM1000+ basic...I would give RM50 for those commoners on the streets or I invite them to eat. I'm Sympathy them...I UNDERSTAND them...Think what you do if you are "one" of them??? then you get treated like you treated them...HOW would you FEEL??? I HAVE TO BE ONE OF YOU LOADS OF SHIT because I, myself NEED help. How to help them if you, yourself NEED help??? sigh~~

Now...I'm totally confused about myself. WHO AM I??? I can't find PART of myself anymore. THEY're GONE!!! VANISH!!! I even force myself until I get nose bleeding to find myself. I stick myself around chinese people...listening every words they say. Understand each of the words, the meaning of their conversation, and memorize it all. But...some people says I shouldn't continue to be someone else. Why??? Why always STOP me??? Why always BACKSTAB me? WHAT THE F*cking Hell Did I Do WRONG For You??? Is it always SIN to learn other culture??? WHO THE F*cking HELL are YOU??? You NOT even GOD...but stopping me to learn other culture??? Damn...I been nice to you all...I been RESPECT you all. This is what I Get??? haihz...What did I do wrong anyway? Even my relationship RUINS...Other people can have a different culture relationship...WHY ME CAN'T??? Why Always RUINS my relationship with chinese girls??? What did I do wrong??? I TREAT THEM GOOD!!! I'm NOT the F*cking PLAYBOY!!! I'm SWEATING & SCARED to get close to them anymore ever since I broke up with my EX...The only place I can get close to them is from internet, friendster, chatting software & etc. Meet? I'm SCARED!!! How the F*cking Hell I want to be playboy??? I'm even SWEAT more when the girls get close to me...I even SCARED more when the girls try to touch me. But I just pretend boys touch me..."PRETEND"...I had enough pretending...I'm So F*cking HURT!!! So STOP Backstabbing ME!!! I'm NOT playboy...

This month...the worst month ever...haihz...I wish next month would be better. And I also wish there's part of me would change. About last relationship? well...I still need more time. I got to tell you that...It doesn't mean I feel calm when I get surrounded by girls...to tell the truth. My heart get worst and worst pain. I don't know why...but it just how I feel. Even I go to church to calm myself...It still the same. I try hard to find a way to calm but one thing I know is all about money...To be honest...money is EVERYTHING to me. The only thing that would change my life. I try to talk about this with my family but...damn it always fail. They ask too much questions that I can't even answer one of it. I heard some people says money is not value...the only value is yourself. Damn...the answer I gave to this sentences...Give me all the money and see how you survive. There's one guy ever taught me this...at 1st it is true...but...my instinct said that "YOU NEED MONEY TO SURVIVE...It is VALUE to us to SURVIVE". Damn...I'm so so so so confused. I wonder HOW will the chinese ELDEST respond about this. Wish to know their comments. I don't want from F*cking youngster...I want from those who really understand what "money" really means...Can they survive without money??? I don't think anyone can...

Well...this is it...I feel much better to release everything here. I still feel a bit moody...but...well...I am trying though. Haha...


P/s : Please Understand What I'm trying to say here...I'm SO SO SO SO SORRY if I offend you all...SORRY~~~~ I'm totally sorry...I'm not asking for anything here ok? It just I'm releasing everything I feel...But it is not 100%. So... ... ...yeah...thanks for reading it and I hope you all can give me comments. I don't mind BAD or GOOD comments...just say it. Maybe it might wake me up...hahaha NO HARD FEELING ok? Peace ^^V