I Hate Being Part Of My Family Sometimes

I hate being part of my family sometimes...I WANT TO LOOK FORWARD!!! Not BACKWARD!!! IDIOT!!! Dont always mention about the past...APA ITU JASA KALAU SENDIRI TIDAK MAJU? BAKA!!! STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! BRAINLESS!!! Dont argue with me using the past times...You cant fight me anymore!!! Im looking forward. KEEP THINKING HOW TO GET MONEY BY DOING SMALL BUSINESS. Thought I never think about this? Lolz...Im maybe pure kadazanese blood but I always have the brain of CHINESE PEOPLE. This is what you all want me to be right? I've been trying so hard about it. Ingat senang ka want get respect from certain chinese people, HUH? You thought LIFE IS EASY? You thought easy to communicate those king of people? Think about it...I less time to go back my kampung because of this. I WANNA LEARN THEIR WAY OF THINKING. That's why I only interested chinese people. Dont say I dont give some respect to my own race. I ALWAYS DO!!! But cant I be bit different from others? This is my life...STAY OUT OF IT!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT THE PAST. MAJU LA!!! BODOH!!! Sejak bila orang kadazan mahu maju??? DONT TALK IF NO ACTIONS TO BE DONE!!! You think I go out with my friends every night just for fun? Meeting new friends must have respect to each other. They look at me like chinese people but what happen if they know im pure kadazanese? Do you think I would get same respect? Think about it DAMN IT...My way of thinking FAR MORE DIFFERENT than you big brother. I DONT TALK ABOUT THE PAST!!! Ingat JASA ko tu MAHAL ka? Do you wanna know why I dint want to attend your wedding? ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY!!! I've been control BECAUSE of you!!! MO ADA GF PUN MOM LARANG SAMPAI SYA TERPAKSA BREAK UP SAMA DIA!!! PASAL KO LA SYA SUFFERING. Sya sentiasa hormat ko sebagai abang tapi ko selalu anggap sya macam anjing!!! Ingat hati sya senang ka? Kenapa la ko ada kerja...I CANNOT BE BETTER MEH??? SOHAI KIA...KANASAI LAU.

Gggrr...I hate arguing about the past. Stupid...ndak pandai maju. Totally idiot. Totally no improvement.

My Feeling...

Its been so long I dint write about "my feeling..." ^^...now Im going to write it again. The story still the same...well here goes again. ^^

Recently there's so many things happening on me...well I do go out a lot because I wanted to clear my mind. But my action always make my mum worried about me. I was wondering if I could have better computer. I might stay home and be in front of the super computer. XD but sadly...I have to go out to play the game I wanted to play. This game called Call Of Duty 4...the only game that make my mind completely clear and dint think about my pasts. Its a game where you become soldier in the game. It looks so real until its hard for me to kill someone. Hahaha...nevermind about that. Most important is that...the pasts haunted me again. Damn...I duno why. Suddenly I dream about it everything. From the beginning until the end of the day...everyday my dream is like...continue story. It makes me really uncomfordable and even hurts me a lot. Its been 8 days already. I tried not to think about it but...those dreams and my pasts keep haunting me. What I hate is that it is all about my past relationship. GOD DAMN IT!!! Looks like I still cant let go of my past. Well I tried so hard anyway. That's why I always wanted to play the game I played to calm my mind.

If I dream about the sweetest memories...Okay lar. But...hiyooo dream about the bad one...ITS NIGHTMARE!!! Everytime wake up sure the 1st pain I feel is in my heart. Really farked up...If headache because of not enough sleep Im still okay about it. But to feel back the heartbroken is totally unacceptable. AAARRGGHHH!!! Sometimes I feel like I want to suicide but cannot...=.= sure go to hell. Better I go out there help someone about their relationship. Biar la sendiri suffering as long as Im not those "thiefs" out there. Buat bagus kena balas bagus jugak lar someday. I dont mind suffering because its part of my life already. I dont mind kena cheated again as long as I dont hurt them. I dont mind I help people but they dint help me back. Most important I done the right things thats enough for me. As long as those people out there I help live happily thats more than enough for me already.

I really dont need anyone help except from my family because if people help me...I will keep rely on them. No...thats unacceptable. I must try my best to help myself so I dont need to rely on anybody else even they dont mind. "Bu hao yi shi" bah...keep getting help from others and you hard to help them back. Want balas jasa also hard...thats even make me more uncomfordable. >.< But anyway...thats not important right now. Whats important is that...I really really wanna scream and release my pain. AAARRRGGGHH!! uhuk uhuk...XD hehehehe Haiz...hard lar. Its totally hard...I wish to have better computer and a piano in my house. Better computer is for making remix songs. My friends have the software...piano is I want to calm my mind. Only if Im able to play better. Lolz...duno how to play. Hahahaha...well to have computer Im not only wanted to make remix songs but also I wanted to play better game. The game that Im talking about that is. hahaha...anyway...that's it for now. Im feeling better after I write everything here even though the "dreams" still haunted me. Hahaha

Thanks for reading it...^^

Jealousy of Pianist

HUUUUURRRAAHHH!!! Im so jealous about this...See this!!!





This 2 only the example why I want to learn piano...I still got a lot a lot in my computer. Classic version is always the best. I really really wanna learn piano but dont have piano or keyboard at home. Haizz~~ so so sad lar!!! I wanna take piano classic course. Baru boleh compose lagu sendiri...can join church event again. Im so jealous to see those people who know play piano very well and able to compose any songs they want. >.< haiz...I wish I had a lot money now...buy keyboard. LolZ XD hehehhee...

Disappointment

Aaaahh~~~ why disappointed? well...yesterday I go One Borneo to see the education fair thingy. Well I did find the course I wanted but so so far ooh!!! The arts of musical...I only wanted to learn basic. I want to know how to read piano chords, basic major and minor chords as well. Thats all...just like playing guitar but piano a bit different so I wanted to learn it. There is piano course in sabah but I cant find where especially teach classic musics. Classical is always the best. But sadly...so so so hard to find. So bored bah keep playing games, go out play, and do something stupid. Why not play piano? it would be more fun if I know many songs...Aaaarrrgghhh~~ terpaksa sabar again.

Well...that's all lar...>.<

Lonely Valentine

Damn...Yesterday Valentine's Day totally bored and lonely. Just stay home and doing nothing. Doing work, play computer games, and watch astro. Im not saying that Im desperate but...IT HURTS man. To watch other couple out there smiling each other. Damn Im totally miss those days before but now no more. Oh well...just go with the flow. What goes around comes around~ just be patient then.

Yesterday and today got education fair in One Borneo but I didnt go out yesterday because...well you noe...I scared to get hurt and jealous to watch so many couples out there. Today sunday...I must go out to see the education fair. Just take some browser to see if got anything suits me. See mampu go study further or not lar. hahaha no money no study loh. Hutang pun still got now. If wan study again...susah lar. Age already 24 this year and still wan study. Belum dapat kerja tetap. Haiz...because of economy crisis, its been so hard to find a job. Terpaksa join many event hoping kena sponsor. Now I want to learn piano...classic type. Got event then join...also hoping got sponsor to go outside learn more and join ochestra. I must do something different in my life. If not how to survive just with cooking skills.

Well...thats all lar. Lonely Valentine totally nothing to do. >.< got target also got boyfriend already. Some even ignore me and some being so...well...=.= tinggi permintaan. Example : They want rich boyfriend, tall, handsome, and sweet. God!!! DAMN!!! So choosy. I been trying not to be so choosy already...I guess my effort only a waste. Haiz...nvm lar. Just keep moving then...