I Hate Being Part Of My Family Sometimes

I hate being part of my family sometimes...I WANT TO LOOK FORWARD!!! Not BACKWARD!!! IDIOT!!! Dont always mention about the past...APA ITU JASA KALAU SENDIRI TIDAK MAJU? BAKA!!! STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! BRAINLESS!!! Dont argue with me using the past times...You cant fight me anymore!!! Im looking forward. KEEP THINKING HOW TO GET MONEY BY DOING SMALL BUSINESS. Thought I never think about this? Lolz...Im maybe pure kadazanese blood but I always have the brain of CHINESE PEOPLE. This is what you all want me to be right? I've been trying so hard about it. Ingat senang ka want get respect from certain chinese people, HUH? You thought LIFE IS EASY? You thought easy to communicate those king of people? Think about it...I less time to go back my kampung because of this. I WANNA LEARN THEIR WAY OF THINKING. That's why I only interested chinese people. Dont say I dont give some respect to my own race. I ALWAYS DO!!! But cant I be bit different from others? This is my life...STAY OUT OF IT!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT THE PAST. MAJU LA!!! BODOH!!! Sejak bila orang kadazan mahu maju??? DONT TALK IF NO ACTIONS TO BE DONE!!! You think I go out with my friends every night just for fun? Meeting new friends must have respect to each other. They look at me like chinese people but what happen if they know im pure kadazanese? Do you think I would get same respect? Think about it DAMN IT...My way of thinking FAR MORE DIFFERENT than you big brother. I DONT TALK ABOUT THE PAST!!! Ingat JASA ko tu MAHAL ka? Do you wanna know why I dint want to attend your wedding? ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY!!! I've been control BECAUSE of you!!! MO ADA GF PUN MOM LARANG SAMPAI SYA TERPAKSA BREAK UP SAMA DIA!!! PASAL KO LA SYA SUFFERING. Sya sentiasa hormat ko sebagai abang tapi ko selalu anggap sya macam anjing!!! Ingat hati sya senang ka? Kenapa la ko ada kerja...I CANNOT BE BETTER MEH??? SOHAI KIA...KANASAI LAU.

Gggrr...I hate arguing about the past. Stupid...ndak pandai maju. Totally idiot. Totally no improvement.

My Feeling...

Its been so long I dint write about "my feeling..." ^^...now Im going to write it again. The story still the same...well here goes again. ^^

Recently there's so many things happening on me...well I do go out a lot because I wanted to clear my mind. But my action always make my mum worried about me. I was wondering if I could have better computer. I might stay home and be in front of the super computer. XD but sadly...I have to go out to play the game I wanted to play. This game called Call Of Duty 4...the only game that make my mind completely clear and dint think about my pasts. Its a game where you become soldier in the game. It looks so real until its hard for me to kill someone. Hahaha...nevermind about that. Most important is that...the pasts haunted me again. Damn...I duno why. Suddenly I dream about it everything. From the beginning until the end of the day...everyday my dream is like...continue story. It makes me really uncomfordable and even hurts me a lot. Its been 8 days already. I tried not to think about it but...those dreams and my pasts keep haunting me. What I hate is that it is all about my past relationship. GOD DAMN IT!!! Looks like I still cant let go of my past. Well I tried so hard anyway. That's why I always wanted to play the game I played to calm my mind.

If I dream about the sweetest memories...Okay lar. But...hiyooo dream about the bad one...ITS NIGHTMARE!!! Everytime wake up sure the 1st pain I feel is in my heart. Really farked up...If headache because of not enough sleep Im still okay about it. But to feel back the heartbroken is totally unacceptable. AAARRGGHHH!!! Sometimes I feel like I want to suicide but cannot...=.= sure go to hell. Better I go out there help someone about their relationship. Biar la sendiri suffering as long as Im not those "thiefs" out there. Buat bagus kena balas bagus jugak lar someday. I dont mind suffering because its part of my life already. I dont mind kena cheated again as long as I dont hurt them. I dont mind I help people but they dint help me back. Most important I done the right things thats enough for me. As long as those people out there I help live happily thats more than enough for me already.

I really dont need anyone help except from my family because if people help me...I will keep rely on them. No...thats unacceptable. I must try my best to help myself so I dont need to rely on anybody else even they dont mind. "Bu hao yi shi" bah...keep getting help from others and you hard to help them back. Want balas jasa also hard...thats even make me more uncomfordable. >.< But anyway...thats not important right now. Whats important is that...I really really wanna scream and release my pain. AAARRRGGGHH!! uhuk uhuk...XD hehehehe Haiz...hard lar. Its totally hard...I wish to have better computer and a piano in my house. Better computer is for making remix songs. My friends have the software...piano is I want to calm my mind. Only if Im able to play better. Lolz...duno how to play. Hahahaha...well to have computer Im not only wanted to make remix songs but also I wanted to play better game. The game that Im talking about that is. hahaha...anyway...that's it for now. Im feeling better after I write everything here even though the "dreams" still haunted me. Hahaha

Thanks for reading it...^^

Jealousy of Pianist

HUUUUURRRAAHHH!!! Im so jealous about this...See this!!!





This 2 only the example why I want to learn piano...I still got a lot a lot in my computer. Classic version is always the best. I really really wanna learn piano but dont have piano or keyboard at home. Haizz~~ so so sad lar!!! I wanna take piano classic course. Baru boleh compose lagu sendiri...can join church event again. Im so jealous to see those people who know play piano very well and able to compose any songs they want. >.< haiz...I wish I had a lot money now...buy keyboard. LolZ XD hehehhee...

Disappointment

Aaaahh~~~ why disappointed? well...yesterday I go One Borneo to see the education fair thingy. Well I did find the course I wanted but so so far ooh!!! The arts of musical...I only wanted to learn basic. I want to know how to read piano chords, basic major and minor chords as well. Thats all...just like playing guitar but piano a bit different so I wanted to learn it. There is piano course in sabah but I cant find where especially teach classic musics. Classical is always the best. But sadly...so so so hard to find. So bored bah keep playing games, go out play, and do something stupid. Why not play piano? it would be more fun if I know many songs...Aaaarrrgghhh~~ terpaksa sabar again.

Well...that's all lar...>.<

Lonely Valentine

Damn...Yesterday Valentine's Day totally bored and lonely. Just stay home and doing nothing. Doing work, play computer games, and watch astro. Im not saying that Im desperate but...IT HURTS man. To watch other couple out there smiling each other. Damn Im totally miss those days before but now no more. Oh well...just go with the flow. What goes around comes around~ just be patient then.

Yesterday and today got education fair in One Borneo but I didnt go out yesterday because...well you noe...I scared to get hurt and jealous to watch so many couples out there. Today sunday...I must go out to see the education fair. Just take some browser to see if got anything suits me. See mampu go study further or not lar. hahaha no money no study loh. Hutang pun still got now. If wan study again...susah lar. Age already 24 this year and still wan study. Belum dapat kerja tetap. Haiz...because of economy crisis, its been so hard to find a job. Terpaksa join many event hoping kena sponsor. Now I want to learn piano...classic type. Got event then join...also hoping got sponsor to go outside learn more and join ochestra. I must do something different in my life. If not how to survive just with cooking skills.

Well...thats all lar. Lonely Valentine totally nothing to do. >.< got target also got boyfriend already. Some even ignore me and some being so...well...=.= tinggi permintaan. Example : They want rich boyfriend, tall, handsome, and sweet. God!!! DAMN!!! So choosy. I been trying not to be so choosy already...I guess my effort only a waste. Haiz...nvm lar. Just keep moving then...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day

The day where all couples out there get together. Damn...Im so jealous. I still cant find any single girl that fulfilled my type of dream girl. Well...I do find one but she already has a boyfriend. Damn...that's totally hurt when I think about it. I admit I do have feeling about her and I dont know why I can fall for her anyway. Maybe I knew it but I just dont know how to explain it. Its been so hard to explain this kind of feeling even this is not the 1st time I get it. I just know I scared to fall in love again because last time I got hurt so badly. But I still believe there will be a girl out there that fulfilled my type of dream girl. I just have to wait and be patient again. Haiz...I lost another good girl again. Damn...I thought I would have a slight chance to be able to flirt her and be together with her. But...its only in my dream anyway. Its really HURTS me a lot when I keep thinking about her. Its been so hard for me not to think about it but...well I tried anyway. Just time will heal me.

I feel like I wanna scream and let go of my feelings but...I just cant. I have to store it in my heart again. ITS HURT A LOT!!! Especially when I dream about it. God Damn...maybe this is a test from God. Who knows...If it is test from God then I will accept it even it HURTS me a lot. But this kind of things always end up confusion. She do has a boyfriend now...a boyfriend who is WAY BETTER then me. I cant bare to break them up just because I have feeling on her. I cannot break their life for my selfishness. I just cant...its against my promises. Sometimes I want to break it but...at the end I still cant. Thats why it HURTS me more if I break my promises.

Well...enough talking about me. ^^ I wish every couple out there have better relationship in the future. Wish you all always happy and good luck in everything you do. Hahaha...dont do something stupids also. If not the result ends either good or worst. If up to you all...but if you need help or any ideas from me. I dont mind helping but Im very straight one. So becareful and "Tahan Hati" because its for your own good. Dont mind about it...HELPING is way better than STEALING.

Thanks for readding...

HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!!!

p/s : Actually I want to give the picture above to the ONE I have feeling with. It just I dont dare to. Haha...I got no guts to do it. ^^" Oh well...=p

The Way Of Life

Wow...time pass really fast. Its like...well...Im having hard time to explain everything right now. I just feel that the time pass real fast this time compare last year. Its already February now and March is incoming within 2 weeks. OMG!!! Even I dont have work right now and still searching new one because I got kick out in my last work. I still feel time pass really fast. >.< really God Damn It. Recently there's many things happen on me. Well...mostly nothing good happens. Still the same old luck I had. BAD LUCK!!! oh well...just go with the flow anyway. If I have enough money right now I would go Singapore and start a new life. Why not working in west malaysia? Well...let see. First of all because of my attitude might make myself in danger OR Im too good not to counter every bad things happen on me. You know west malaysia...everything MESSED UP there. You cant even live quietly like in sabah especially if you are WEAK & STUPID. You just end up get yourself hurt. Now got a BIT improvement only where most of the youngsters respect each other even different races. Most of the old people would never ever make peace to each other and only stick with their own kind. COME ON!!! STOP IT ALREADY!!! This is Malaysia. We all should make peace and mix up each other to the road of understanding. How will we gonna have better economy if we keep fighting each other because of negative opinions such as "Cina Babi, Malay Fark off, Malay sial, Cina this and Cina that" such attitude always lead to negative thinkers in new generations.

There even more...especially different races of relationship. What's wrong with it? "Malay cant couple with chinese? Chinese must not couple with malay? Dont stick with those non-chinese or you get yourself become more lazy?" GET A LIFE ALREADY!!! This is you called yourself Malaysian people? Its so damn funny you live in malaysia but you never respect each others. Some people deserve respect even you are not allowed to couple with different races and culture. I seen many mix races and culture in one family and they really live peacefully. Why cant some of you think the same things? Its weird this been happen for so damn long already and still some or most of them still stick to their own kind. Ever since 4 difference races become best friends? Example : Malay, Kadazan, Mix chinese, and Pure Chinese friends together and always together. Laugh and have fun...same beautiful minds. If we have trouble, we'll stick together and try to talk about it. Even it might hurts us but we still be friends. We take what best for us even it might suffer us. This is way of life...we cant fully control it but we can manage and learn from it.

So thats why Im not interested working in west malaysia unless I found those people who have same thinking like us. The reason I wan to work in Singapore is not because of the people who can think better. It is because you can have bit better life in better economy country. Singapore is small but their economy is WAY BETTER than our Malaysia. WHY IS THAT? What happen in this matter? We Malaysian are huge community but why cant we better than Singapore? Why cant our economy better than Singapore? What is our government doing? Im beginning to hate Malaysia because of the stupid police forces...just because our minds better thinking than some people doesnt mean you need to capture us and talk about it without immediate explaination. Must go police station talk. Why cant straight away? Scared of lose faces? COME ON!!! THIS IS LIFE...YOU ARE NOT THE GOD. YOU ARE HUMAN. WE ALL HUMAN. FACE IT!!! Only a slight intelligent already want capture. God...Damn...It. This is why I never trust policemen. I called them "Official Gangsters". But thanks to some points I get from news and friends...I only think ONLY some of them I called "Official Gangster". WHY? Because "salah guna kuasa". Dont act big with the name of "Policemen" because in my eyes you ALWAYS human like us.

Another thing is...PTI = Penduduk Tanpa Izin or Pendatang Tanpa Izin. These people always make trouble and always take chances to crush us. I crush some of them for trying to "bodek" me. I promise myself I will never run away if kena "bodek". I would be more happy if they're using knife so that I can steal it. As a chef...Knife or Sharp things are our priority weapon or toys. If not...how can we all become good cutter. We all did injured using it but sadly some people use it as murder weapon. Totally unforgivable especially now...because of our economy many people not only PTI that taking chances to steal everything. Please...Dont be so selfish. I understand how you all feel but still we cant do anything about it. Only 5%-10% of the people think differently. 40%-60% think a little bit...OKay Okay. And, about 80%-90% negative thinkers...I wonder why.