Recovery and Mysteries

Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!! HHHUUUURRAAAHHH!!! Its good to be back!!! IM...R.E.C.O.V.E.R!!!....uhuk uhuk...well not that much. Hahaha...At least I no longer suffer from heavy fever and coughing. Thanks to my Aunt that gave me antibiotics...=.=" it is truely strong medicine. Hehehehe...anyway Im glad to have my normal strength back although Im still bit sensitive to cold wind. I catch cold pretty easy for it. Oww~~ I hate sick but its the only way I could throw away my sweatsss~~~ Aahhh nevermind...I must training back but this rainy days really pissed me off sometimes...=.=" how the hell Im gonna go jogging if its keep raining after 5pm. Lolz...Oh well.

Hmmm...well recently...nothing bad or good happens. AH YES!!! There is something...a LETTER. It was written 5 years ago and...well...I think I disappointed the girl. I dint reply her actually. I wanted to reply now but...come one...5 years ago...impossible she could remember me anyway and probably she already back to her home town. The address she gave me is 5 years ago too where she still study in selangor. I was so so so suprised when I saw the letter. She was expecting me to reply her but I turn her down. Damn Im totally stupid and useless. I wanted to reply her and...well...if have any chance I just want to talk to her. I keep her letter for memory. ^^ Well I do hope and wish I bump into her. This kind of mystery really excite me sometimes. XD hehehehe...I wish I really really really bump into her. I dont care how she looks like as long as I able to know who is she. She called herself as Baby_Blue or Baby_Bule...=.=" cant remember much. Its written in her letter. I do remember I chat with her before but...I cant believe I just found her letter after 5 years. =.=" someone and somehow there are people who hold my letters. Everything about my privates always like...being control and...dibongkar. I HATE IT!!! Anyway back to story...She called herself as Baby_Blue and her real name is Mei Yee or A-Mei from sandakan. Oooookay~~ Thats quite near but...her address was show in selangor where she still studied 5 years ago. Damn!!! Where is this girl...XD hehehe...If I wanted to find her I have to go her university and find all about her but...where can I get such info and no way the people in that university going to help me anyway. It might happen like this..."OUTSIDER!!! Kick HIM!!!..." ooouchh~~ that totally embarrassing...Oh yea...her university full name is University Putrajaya Malaysia. O_O I REALLY WANT TO FIND THIS GIRL. Well...maybe she's the one for me. XD hehehehe Damn Im a BIG JERK for not replying her. She probably have boyfriend now or even married already.

Hmmm...so...do I need to find her or not leh~? Haiz...well...let God settle it. If got "jodoh" then we meet...if not...then wish her happy and good luck. ^^ hehe I guess this is 3rd chances I lost. The 1st one turn out to be disappointment...well its my fault anyway. I never blame her...I did before but when I think it clearly...everything my fault. >.< 2nd one is...well...Im almost wish the girl broke up with her boyfriend but I cant. Im not some of those people out there who like to break other people relationship to earn own benefits. Lolz...its totally against my promises. 3rd one is this one....=.=" the letter. Come on...what chances I have for a letter that wrote 5 years ago. No way the girl still single...=.=" She probably married already anyway. Okay...that's all I wanted to share for now. Hope you readers enjoy it.

P/s : This blog actually nothing special yet...Its all about what I've been through now. Just wait the time...= =+ I will RISE!!! I will SHINE!!! I will have everything that I lost...oh wait...not everything. I cant break up people relationship. Lolz...dont misunderstanding. XD hehehehe I mean I will come back as.....erm.....as....err.....you know....erm.....come back as.............what I wanted to be. Okay Bubye~ XD

Sickful Weather and My Feeling...

Oh God Damn...I hate this kind of weather where from hot day then suddenly become rainy. Hot then cold...who would get sick at this time anyway. I wonder why my body so weak since I keep eating vitamins. =.=" izzit lack of exercise? Lolz like I have time for that. Every morning I have to send my mom and bro to work. How am I going to spend time on jogging and exercise? 5pm/6pm? Lolz I fetch my mom n bro too. I just wish I have time to exercise like last time again but its seem so hard due to my situation and the God Damn changing weather. Aaahh~~ its totally hard. Oh well...just go with the flow then.

About my feeling right now...hahaha this might sound crazy, stupid and totally desperate but not wrong right? To find special girlfriend now. Its good to have someone that you really can talk to all the time. Sharing feelings, problems and etc. Last time its happen on me but it was year ago. I spoil it with my bad attitudes. I really regret what happen then...I wish I could always listen but it always turns out to be disappointment. Everytime I wanna talk about something that in my mind. I always have no one to listen to. Well...no girls wanna listen to it anyway so I just have to keep it in my heart. Im actually straight person...I just talk right away of my problems but...hahaha...nobody willing to listen. I do chat with a lot of girls but none of them want to listen of my problems. Well i think probably I really duno how to talk with girls. I no longer know how to start a good conversation. Hahahah...stupid right? and most important of all...None of the single girls I chat is really serious about relationship but I really like those open minded girls who already have boyfriend. I always wanted to listen how their boyfriend treat them. (Well...ctually Im looking for a tips/hints from them...XD hehehehe...shhhhh) And also I dont really talk about this with my family. It just...well...totally not the kind of topic that suits with my family. I dont really talk much about my problems either because I know what will their advices are. Always the same...=.=" so why should share anyway. It just turn out to be worst all the time.

Also, =.=" I pretty shy to meet girls now because Im really ugly. I scared once they meet me, they wont want to talk to me or meet me for the 2nd time. It always happen on me a lot so...I pretty lack of confidence now. That's why its been so hard for me to find special girlfriend. Hahahaha...Yeah I know Im desperate but its not totally wrong about it right? Come on...Im 24 this year and still single? Dont tell me you want me to become 40 years old virgin like in that movie? Hahaha...Im totally disagree but thats life right? Many problems will come after one another. To be honest Im pretty jealous to all the couples out there. Holding hands, laughing to each other, chit chat and etc but some I really hate because of their bad attitudes. Come on...wanna do something go privacy lar. Dont so open...this is malaysia. I hate see couples out there kena checking lar, this and that. Wanna do something just go privacy. Dont let those "official gengsters" capture you. =.=" nanti ada "unofficial gengsters" disturb more worst. Now economy crisis...I suggest dont luan luan go out especially couple. Every night I go out I only go one place call City Mall...Its the only safe place I can go because of the securities there. Only City Mall securities are very responsible. Thats why I feel safe there. I know its bad to go out every day but...Im totally STRESS. Takkan simpan dalam hati...I dont want more SUFFERING but I do feel guilty everytime. I wanna go beach but my instinct always tell me dont even I have many friends to go with. Want find job also I need my instinct because I hate being backstab. Hardworking also want backstab...How to survive anyway? I dont really want to be BAD again. I dont want my wild attitudes come back. I dont want make troubles anymore. So please lar dont force me...I dint disturb you also.

Now most important is I must try to change my attitudes and calm my mind. I always stay in STRESS mode sampai my hair keep dropping. HAIR!!! DROPPPING!!! More worst...become more ugly. =.=" I try many product but none of them working. I keep wondering why...izzit my dietary? daily foods or what? Never get the answer. Last time my hair very tebal one even got drop also...now...macam sudah jadi orang tua. Less hair and more pimples...=.=" girls see also laugh because got botak botak...haiz...sakit hati. More lack of confidence because of this.

That's all I wanna share for now...It is what in my mind actually. Only my blog is my very close friend. He read everything what I wanted to write. XD hehehehe sot sot kan me? Even there is no advices at all...I still calm me down a while. At least I can still honestly smile because of this. =p hehehehe...well Thanks for reading this post. ^^

I Hate Being Part Of My Family Sometimes

I hate being part of my family sometimes...I WANT TO LOOK FORWARD!!! Not BACKWARD!!! IDIOT!!! Dont always mention about the past...APA ITU JASA KALAU SENDIRI TIDAK MAJU? BAKA!!! STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! BRAINLESS!!! Dont argue with me using the past times...You cant fight me anymore!!! Im looking forward. KEEP THINKING HOW TO GET MONEY BY DOING SMALL BUSINESS. Thought I never think about this? Lolz...Im maybe pure kadazanese blood but I always have the brain of CHINESE PEOPLE. This is what you all want me to be right? I've been trying so hard about it. Ingat senang ka want get respect from certain chinese people, HUH? You thought LIFE IS EASY? You thought easy to communicate those king of people? Think about it...I less time to go back my kampung because of this. I WANNA LEARN THEIR WAY OF THINKING. That's why I only interested chinese people. Dont say I dont give some respect to my own race. I ALWAYS DO!!! But cant I be bit different from others? This is my life...STAY OUT OF IT!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT THE PAST. MAJU LA!!! BODOH!!! Sejak bila orang kadazan mahu maju??? DONT TALK IF NO ACTIONS TO BE DONE!!! You think I go out with my friends every night just for fun? Meeting new friends must have respect to each other. They look at me like chinese people but what happen if they know im pure kadazanese? Do you think I would get same respect? Think about it DAMN IT...My way of thinking FAR MORE DIFFERENT than you big brother. I DONT TALK ABOUT THE PAST!!! Ingat JASA ko tu MAHAL ka? Do you wanna know why I dint want to attend your wedding? ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY!!! I've been control BECAUSE of you!!! MO ADA GF PUN MOM LARANG SAMPAI SYA TERPAKSA BREAK UP SAMA DIA!!! PASAL KO LA SYA SUFFERING. Sya sentiasa hormat ko sebagai abang tapi ko selalu anggap sya macam anjing!!! Ingat hati sya senang ka? Kenapa la ko ada kerja...I CANNOT BE BETTER MEH??? SOHAI KIA...KANASAI LAU.

Gggrr...I hate arguing about the past. Stupid...ndak pandai maju. Totally idiot. Totally no improvement.

My Feeling...

Its been so long I dint write about "my feeling..." ^^...now Im going to write it again. The story still the same...well here goes again. ^^

Recently there's so many things happening on me...well I do go out a lot because I wanted to clear my mind. But my action always make my mum worried about me. I was wondering if I could have better computer. I might stay home and be in front of the super computer. XD but sadly...I have to go out to play the game I wanted to play. This game called Call Of Duty 4...the only game that make my mind completely clear and dint think about my pasts. Its a game where you become soldier in the game. It looks so real until its hard for me to kill someone. Hahaha...nevermind about that. Most important is that...the pasts haunted me again. Damn...I duno why. Suddenly I dream about it everything. From the beginning until the end of the day...everyday my dream is like...continue story. It makes me really uncomfordable and even hurts me a lot. Its been 8 days already. I tried not to think about it but...those dreams and my pasts keep haunting me. What I hate is that it is all about my past relationship. GOD DAMN IT!!! Looks like I still cant let go of my past. Well I tried so hard anyway. That's why I always wanted to play the game I played to calm my mind.

If I dream about the sweetest memories...Okay lar. But...hiyooo dream about the bad one...ITS NIGHTMARE!!! Everytime wake up sure the 1st pain I feel is in my heart. Really farked up...If headache because of not enough sleep Im still okay about it. But to feel back the heartbroken is totally unacceptable. AAARRGGHHH!!! Sometimes I feel like I want to suicide but cannot...=.= sure go to hell. Better I go out there help someone about their relationship. Biar la sendiri suffering as long as Im not those "thiefs" out there. Buat bagus kena balas bagus jugak lar someday. I dont mind suffering because its part of my life already. I dont mind kena cheated again as long as I dont hurt them. I dont mind I help people but they dint help me back. Most important I done the right things thats enough for me. As long as those people out there I help live happily thats more than enough for me already.

I really dont need anyone help except from my family because if people help me...I will keep rely on them. No...thats unacceptable. I must try my best to help myself so I dont need to rely on anybody else even they dont mind. "Bu hao yi shi" bah...keep getting help from others and you hard to help them back. Want balas jasa also hard...thats even make me more uncomfordable. >.< But anyway...thats not important right now. Whats important is that...I really really wanna scream and release my pain. AAARRRGGGHH!! uhuk uhuk...XD hehehehe Haiz...hard lar. Its totally hard...I wish to have better computer and a piano in my house. Better computer is for making remix songs. My friends have the software...piano is I want to calm my mind. Only if Im able to play better. Lolz...duno how to play. Hahahaha...well to have computer Im not only wanted to make remix songs but also I wanted to play better game. The game that Im talking about that is. hahaha...anyway...that's it for now. Im feeling better after I write everything here even though the "dreams" still haunted me. Hahaha

Thanks for reading it...^^

Jealousy of Pianist

HUUUUURRRAAHHH!!! Im so jealous about this...See this!!!





This 2 only the example why I want to learn piano...I still got a lot a lot in my computer. Classic version is always the best. I really really wanna learn piano but dont have piano or keyboard at home. Haizz~~ so so sad lar!!! I wanna take piano classic course. Baru boleh compose lagu sendiri...can join church event again. Im so jealous to see those people who know play piano very well and able to compose any songs they want. >.< haiz...I wish I had a lot money now...buy keyboard. LolZ XD hehehhee...

Disappointment

Aaaahh~~~ why disappointed? well...yesterday I go One Borneo to see the education fair thingy. Well I did find the course I wanted but so so far ooh!!! The arts of musical...I only wanted to learn basic. I want to know how to read piano chords, basic major and minor chords as well. Thats all...just like playing guitar but piano a bit different so I wanted to learn it. There is piano course in sabah but I cant find where especially teach classic musics. Classical is always the best. But sadly...so so so hard to find. So bored bah keep playing games, go out play, and do something stupid. Why not play piano? it would be more fun if I know many songs...Aaaarrrgghhh~~ terpaksa sabar again.

Well...that's all lar...>.<

Lonely Valentine

Damn...Yesterday Valentine's Day totally bored and lonely. Just stay home and doing nothing. Doing work, play computer games, and watch astro. Im not saying that Im desperate but...IT HURTS man. To watch other couple out there smiling each other. Damn Im totally miss those days before but now no more. Oh well...just go with the flow. What goes around comes around~ just be patient then.

Yesterday and today got education fair in One Borneo but I didnt go out yesterday because...well you noe...I scared to get hurt and jealous to watch so many couples out there. Today sunday...I must go out to see the education fair. Just take some browser to see if got anything suits me. See mampu go study further or not lar. hahaha no money no study loh. Hutang pun still got now. If wan study again...susah lar. Age already 24 this year and still wan study. Belum dapat kerja tetap. Haiz...because of economy crisis, its been so hard to find a job. Terpaksa join many event hoping kena sponsor. Now I want to learn piano...classic type. Got event then join...also hoping got sponsor to go outside learn more and join ochestra. I must do something different in my life. If not how to survive just with cooking skills.

Well...thats all lar. Lonely Valentine totally nothing to do. >.< got target also got boyfriend already. Some even ignore me and some being so...well...=.= tinggi permintaan. Example : They want rich boyfriend, tall, handsome, and sweet. God!!! DAMN!!! So choosy. I been trying not to be so choosy already...I guess my effort only a waste. Haiz...nvm lar. Just keep moving then...